


If it takes fighting a war for us to meet, it will have been worth it.

by haaaveyoumetted



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)
Genre: Everybody Lives, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Nightmares
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-19
Updated: 2016-12-19
Packaged: 2018-09-09 18:14:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,608
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8906851
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/haaaveyoumetted/pseuds/haaaveyoumetted
Summary: Jyn and Cassian barely made it off of that beach alive. It's a miracle that none of the Rogue One crew died, and Jyn can't seem to cope with it. Cassian is the closest friend she has, and she finds comfort in his presence. He feels the same way about her....but is that all that they feel?





	

A shaky breath escaped from between her lips as her eyes scanned over the vast planet she was on, for the moment. She had been on Yavin 4 only once before; before the mission that almost killed every single one of them. Jyn was still processing the shock of having survived everything that happened during their attempt to secure the Death Star plans. They had succeeded, and somehow, they made it off of the planet before the city was destroyed.

Weeks had gone by since then, but she could still feel the anxiety lingering. More people than she could count had asked her if she planned on staying on Yavin 4; if she was actually going to join up with the Rebellion. She still didn’t feel like she had a definitive answer for any of them. It was touching, in a sense. Knowing that people actually cared whether she stuck around or not. It wasn’t something that she was used to, and it still didn’t sit quite right with her.

Jyn pulled her jacket tighter against her body and shifted so that her she could rest her chin on her knees. The sun was beginning to set, and the wind was starting to bring a chill over her body that she couldn’t will away. She didn’t want to go back inside of the base, but she knew that if she didn’t head in soon, someone would come looking for her. She reluctantly stood up and stretched, relieving some of the stress of cramped muscles and stiff limbs. After one last glance at her surroundings, she turned and started to make her way back towards the base.

The constant buzz of casual chatter in the base was something that calmed her, she had come to realize. The halls and community rec rooms were always occupied, which she normally didn’t mind. Tonight, however, she wasn’t sure if she wanted to risk being approached and brought into social interactions. Avoiding the rec rooms all together, she chose to walk down one of the corridors that tended to be mostly empty, despite the extra time it would add on before she reached the room she had been assigned. She reached her room without any interruptions and went straight to her bed. It was rare that she slept for more than an hour or two at a time, but at least if she laid down she felt like her body was getting some sort of rest.

Three hours passed before she gave up on trying to sleep, and she sat up, rubbing her hands over her face in frustration. She was just so exhausted. It only took her a few seconds to figure out her next move. She slid her boots on and made her way over to the door. Taking a deep breath, she set off down the hall for the opposite end of the base. She let her fingertips gently graze the side of the wall as she walked, enjoying the cool feeling of metal against her skin. Jyn had come to appreciate the small sensations she found in her everyday that she hadn’t taken the time to notice before.

A few minutes passed, and she found herself standing in front of his door. Cassian was the person she considered herself closest to out of everyone there, but she still wasn’t quite comfortable. She knew he could tell there was still a bit of a wall she was holding up between them. Despite this, he made sure to remind her that if she ever needed anything, she could come and find him any time. Jyn had come to him in the middle of the night a few times that first week after they returned and vivid memories in the form of nightmares kept her from wanting to sleep. Since then, she had been trying to handle her grief on her own, and for the most part, she was able to contain it. Tonight was not one of those nights. She stood there for a few minutes just staring at the door, trying to convince herself to press the button that would notify him she was there.

The door in front of her opened suddenly and she jolted in surprise. “You going to stand there all night or are you going to come in?” Cassian offered with a smirk, leaning against the door frame.

She couldn’t help but offer a small smile in return and follow him as he turned and walked back into his room. He sat down on his bed and looked up at her. “Having trouble sleeping?”

“I haven’t slept well since I was eleven years old, when my parents were still around.” She replied, crossing her arms over her chest. “It’s gotten a lot worse since we got back.” She admitted softly.

He patted the empty space on the bed next to him as an invitation for her to join him. She didn’t hesitate. They situated themselves so that their backs were up against the wall, their shoulders just barely brushing. Cassian glanced over at her. “Anything you want to talk about?”

Jyn bit her lip, still staring at the wall across the room. “I don’t ever want to have to talk about it, or think about it again, but it’s very unlikely I’ll be able to get away with that.”

He nodded his head in obvious understanding and the two fell into a comfortable silence. Silence used to set her on edge, but with him, it never did. A few minutes passed before he responded.

“What happened on Scarif is something that is going to follow us for the rest of our lives, I don’t pretend that it won’t. I know that talking about it doesn’t make it go away, or make it any easier, but sometimes it makes you feel less like you want to throw up or start punching something.” He paused to gather his thoughts. “I won’t ever try to force you to talk about it, but I will always be willing to listen if you do.”

She looked at him before replying. “Do you ever feel like we should have died on Scarif?’

His eyes widen in surprise as he tried to process the question. It certainly wasn’t what he was expecting. He adjusted his body so that he was angled towards Jynn slightly before answering. “The moment that I figured out we would have to go there if we were going to have any chance of getting those plans and stopping the Empire, I accepted the fact that it would probably be my last mission. I’ve always been willing and ready to give my life for the Rebellion, but on the beach, right after the Death Star fired on the planet, I realized that I didn’t want to die. I know that sounds crazy, but I just-...I felt like my part in all of this wasn’t over yet.”

He wanted to tell her that she was part of the reason for that. It had been a long time since he even considered wanting someone the way that he wanted her. Sure, he had physical desires, but being on that beach with her, in what he thought were the last few minutes of their lives, he felt robbed of what he hoped they eventually could have been. She stared back at him with an intensity that was slowly cracking his resolve to keep things between them the way that they were; to keep from crossing that line.

“Before this mission, my life meant very little to me. I’ve fought my way through my entire life, always just barely surviving, trying to escape, trying to hide. I was alone and I didn’t care about anyone else. Even at the start of the mission, I was just in it for my father, and for myself.” She looked down at her lap and began picking at her fingernails. “I would have deserved it if I had died on that beach.”

Cassian felt like he had been punched in the gut. They both should have died on that beach, logistically speaking, but hearing her say she thought she deserved that fate made him sick. At the same time, he understood where she was coming from. He had done terrible things for the Rebellion, things he buried deep and avoided thinking about at all costs. He deserved a fate like that. “If anyone deserved to die on that beach, it was me.” He replied. “Without you, the Rebellion probably wouldn’t have the Death Star plans. You’re the one who wanted to fight when everyone else was ready to give up. Your death there would have been a great loss to the Alliance, even if they didn’t know it at the time.”

They both turned their heads to look at each other, their eyes locking. Jyn swallowed. “Do you really believe that?”

“Yes”, he replied with complete certainty. “You belong here, Jyn. You’ve proved that. If anyone here ever doubted you, they don’t anymore. They can’t.”

The corners of her mouth twitched upward slightly. “Thank you.”

He cocked his head to the side slightly. “For what?”

“For believing me. For coming back for me. Just.. for being there.” She explained.

He responded with a small smile of his own. “You’re welcome.”

Their eyes lingered on each other as the silence stretched on.

“I don’t really know how to-... would you mind if….” Jyn was not used to asking anyone for anything. She was still working out the kinks in asking for the things she needed without feeling selfish. “Can I stay in here tonight? I don’t want to be alone right now, and I don’t know who else to-”

“Yes, Jyn. Of course you can.” He confirmed, cutting her off. “You should try to get some sleep. I promise that I’ll stay here.”

She let out a sigh of relief and nodded. “Thank you, Cassian.”

He gently grabbed her wrist as she stood up. “Where are you going?” He asked, raising an eyebrow in question.

“I was going to make myself comfortable in that chair, like you said, try to get some sleep.” She replied, nodding towards the corner of the room.

He shook his head and stood up next to her. “You take the bed, I’m taking the chair.” He placed his hands on her shoulders and gently pushed down until she was sitting again.

“I’m not taking your bed from you.”

“Yes, you are. You need the sleep more than I do.”

She resisted the urge to push any further, grateful that he was even letting her stay. She conceded, and shifted until she was laying down. “Okay.”

Within minutes of laying her head down on the pillow, she was asleep.

~

_She could feel the sand covering her body under her clothes, and filling all of the empty space in her shoes. Cassian was putting most of his weight on her, trying to limp along and keep up as best he could. It hurt, but it was a welcome pain._ _At least she was feeling something._

_They finally made their way out of the building and back onto the beach, just in time to watch the first effects of the Death Star blast on the horizon. As carefully as she could manage, she helped Cassian lower himself onto the sand, and nearly collapsed herself as she tried to kneel. They sat there staring out across the water, just breathing. She reached blindly for his hand, and immediately he accepted the contact._

_They both knew they were going to die._

_If there was anyone she could spend her final moments with other than her parents, it was him, and that thought startled her. She was barely just getting to know him, and the fact that they were going to be robbed of getting to know each other better was choking her up. Even if she wanted to say something in that moment, she wouldn’t have been able to get it past the lump forming in her throat._

_She helped Cassian stand as the destruction raced closer and closer to them, and they turned to face each other. She doesn’t know who moved first, but they were holding each other, hugging in a way she hadn’t experienced in years, and it felt so good. She felt the tears in her eyes beginning to fall down her face and onto his shoulder._

_The wind was quickly picking up speed and increasing in temperature. The light was becoming blinding, and the sound of it all deafening. She could feel herself starting to panic, her breathing becoming erratic as the pain increased and began to engulf her entire body. She felt a scream building in her lungs, the pressure against her skull becoming unbearable, her skin beginning to burn and-_

“Jyn, Jyn!”

She gasped, her eyes shooting open. Cassian was kneeling next to her, his hands gently holding her arms. Even in the dark, she could see the concern etched on his face.

Slowly, she sat up and took a few deep breaths, trying to calm herself down. Cassian sat down next to her, gently rubbing his hand up and down her arm. “I always have the same nightmare”, she said, burying her face in her hands. “It’s always us, on the beach, and those last few minutes- except, we never make it out. No one comes for us.”

Without hesitation, he moved his hand from her arm to her back, gently rubbing comforting circles into it. She let out a shaky breath.

“I have nightmares like that too. They always feel so real, like the pain is actually there, like I’m being torn apart.”

She looked up at him. “It’s horrible. I’ve had nightmares my whole life, but never like this. I’ve never felt this much.”

He gave her a few minutes of breathing deeply before he spoke again. “Do you want to try and fall back asleep?”

She didn’t immediately respond. Did she want to go back to sleep? Was it worth the risk of falling right back into that nightmare? “Yeah, I think I do.” She replied.

He nodded and removed his hand from her back as he went to stand. This time it was Jyn who stopped him. “Wait.”

"What is it?” He asked, covering her hand on his wrist with his own. “Will you stay with me? Please?”, She asked hesitantly.

It was strange for him to see this side of her. He wasn’t used to anything other than her stubborn confidence and unrelenting determination. The soft side of her was a rare sight to see, but it was becoming less so with every day he spent with her.

“Yes. I’ll be right here.” He replied, shifting so that he was sitting next to her on the bed with has back resting against the wall.

She laid back down, turning her body to face him and closed her eyes. It didn’t take long for her breathing to even out, her chest softly rising and falling as sleep overtook her. Cassian sat and watched her for a bit, making sure that she didn’t stir, before he leaned his head against the wall and fell asleep himself.

He woke up hours later, feeling more rested than he had in a long time. Slowly blinking his eyes open, he realized he somehow ended up laying down during the night. His arm was slung over Jyn’s waist, with very little space between their bodies. Her head was resting against his chest and her legs were tangled with his. 

  
He saw no harm in getting a few more hours of sleep. 

**Author's Note:**

> so I didn't really know where this was going when I wrote it and I don't know if I should add to it or not??
> 
> anyway, thanks for reading <3


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